Psalm 35

By David.

Contend, Yahweh, with those who contend with me.

Fight against those who fight against me.

Take hold of shield and buckler,

and stand up for my help.

Brandish the spear and block those who pursue me.

Tell my soul, “I am your salvation.”

Let those who seek after my soul be disappointed and brought to dishonor.

Let those who plot my ruin be turned back and confounded.

Let them be as chaff before the wind,

Yahweh’s angel driving them on.

Let their way be dark and slippery,

Yahweh’s angel pursuing them.

For without cause they have hidden their net in a pit for me.

Without cause they have dug a pit for my soul.

Let destruction come on him unawares.

Let his net that he has hidden catch himself.

Let him fall into that destruction.

My soul shall be joyful in Yahweh.

It shall rejoice in his salvation.

All my bones shall say, “Yahweh, who is like you,

who delivers the poor from him who is too strong for him;

yes, the poor and the needy from him who robs him?”

Unrighteous witnesses rise up.

They ask me about things that I don’t know about.

They reward me evil for good,

to the bereaving of my soul...

But in my adversity, they rejoiced, and gathered themselves together.

The attackers gathered themselves together against me, and I didn’t know it.

They tore at me, and didn’t cease.

 Like the profane mockers in feasts,

they gnashed their teeth at me.

Lord, how long will you look on?

Rescue my soul from their destruction,

my precious life from the lions.

I will give you thanks in the great assembly.

I will praise you among many people.

Don’t let those who are my enemies wrongfully rejoice over me;

neither let those who hate me without a cause wink their eyes.

For they don’t speak peace,

but they devise deceitful words against those who are quiet in the land.

Yes, they opened their mouth wide against me.

They said, “Aha! Aha! Our eye has seen it!”

You have seen it, Yahweh. Don’t keep silent.

Lord, don’t be far from me.

Wake up! Rise up to defend me, my God!

My Lord, contend for me!

Vindicate me, Yahweh my God, according to your righteousness.

Don’t let them gloat over me.

Don’t let them say in their heart, “Aha! That’s the way we want it!”

Don’t let them say, “We have swallowed him up!”

Let them be disappointed and confounded together who rejoice at my calamity.

Let them be clothed with shame and dishonor who magnify themselves against me.

Let them shout for joy and be glad, who favor my righteous cause.

Yes, let them say continually, “Yahweh be magnified,

who has pleasure in the prosperity of his servant!”

My tongue shall talk about your righteousness and about your praise all day long...

So thankful Christ is reflected first and foremost through the lives of CBC members from all different backgrounds: pastors, doctors, journalists, marketers, account managers, engineers, pharmacists, teachers, dentists, executives, etc. that no matter what background, whether they be single, married, or married with children, that in all their various circumstances they lift up Christ before each other, before their children, and if they fail, their hearts reflect their love for Christ in repentance, prayer, and a continuous fight against sins and in all of this, it defies all mockery my parents could ever have for the members... their hateful mockery that because everyone stays out so late in care group during the week their jobs must be really easy and not difficult, or wives don't need to wake up to serve their families the next morning, or everyone has nothing to do with their time, or everyone is inane and brainless because she judges my thoughts and words so harshly in insignificance and believes I'm becoming stupid because of everyone I'm surrounded by...

so thankful that He is an ever loving but wrathful god, that He has shown me more and more that unbelievers are blind, ignorant and don't know His character so that I don't judge but love them inside, that He knows there will be division between families, between friends, that He provides opportunity to share the gospel with unbelieving family in the most unexpected moments, that He rebukes but has forgiven me completely, that I don't need to rise in rebellion or numbness in heart in response to His rebukes, that I don't need to prove anything to Him, but that I can come before Him and reflect on what He has done as Father and Son, on Christ's gentle compassionate spirit, and that God the Father sees Christ when he looks at me...

evening of Friday April 24...

It’s been almost 10 years since the 3 women of this family have taken a picture together. It’s been probably 8 years since we sat down and made dumplings/wontons together. After all this time, after years of conflict, drama, painful love, momentary joys, the single week my sister is visiting down south we do sit down and have a grand time. We even joked around at the table… a simple laugh in the situations and gestures… and in this midst of this incredibly satisfying joy, all thanks goes to Him, in a sort of awe of “wow, thank you Lord…” because His love is everlasting, having joy and satisfaction in that is everlasting, it’s not riddled with potholes of joy in people, than feeling closer to people, than having expectations in people as if a new found door has been opened for the relationships to grow deeper, than letting guards down and hearts become even softer to those people, than only to have that broken and shattered with a spear and dagger stabbed through and through, than to be numbed to the core and building thicker guards up again. Our relationship with Him is not riddled with drama, it is not riddled with betrayal or distrust, it is not riddled with insecurities, and as a parent/child relationship, it is not riddled with a continuous desire to do things and prove things to the parent in order to gain more attention, to gain more approval, to gain more appraisal in speech and affection, to gain a closer relationship because there’s nothing we can do to gain more when we have it all already.  So interesting to reflect on these truths while observing the speech, the actions, and the joys of how the women of this house interact, how we gain so much joy in doing something and then have to share it with our parent (grandma) in part because we want to share those joys, in part to have them share that joy, but underneath, to also hear their approval as well.

So interesting that in the midst of writing this, that riddle, that process of human interaction that can dash all joy, dash all hope, dash all satisfaction and leave you empty with the past, pains of now and then, pains of a mother’s attitude, her distance, her coldness, her pride, her bold selfish hold of her own beliefs and disregard for other’s ideas, can be manifested so completely in the course of 3 hrs and a discussion full of her defending herself repeatedly over and over and over again. He is not an escape from the world and the interactions of people, its dramas, its difficulties, but He is a loving God who opens our eyes, softens our hearts, forgives us over and over and over again, Lord I can only ask you why, why and WHY WHYY did you save me, why did you soften my heart, opened my eyes to show me who I was, who I am, I don’t understand why You would send Your son to die for me on the Cross, I don’t understand why and how Your love can be so deep, all encompassing, and forgiving… so that I may know you, and yet, my family’s eyes are closed, their hearts are hard, personalities stubborn, constantly running, running… running away from their pains imbedded beneath layers and layers of sedimentary ice and rock, Lord open their eyes, let them see You because I can’t do it…. I CAN’T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like you softened my heart that nobody could, I beg You, soften theirs to even be receptive… yet You forgive, You are always filled with kindness, love, peace, and satisfaction in Your son so that You can be satisfied in us all.  Mom is tortured… tortured by love, tortured by hate. Tortured by her love for us, care for our health and well being, tortured by the things my sister has done that she so disapproves of and can’t forgive. She is tortured by grudges, dislikes, annoyances, frustrations, all are just different forms of hate… upholding herself on a pedestal that she doesn’t hate, she never hates, that everyone is entitled to their own opinion that she can care less about. Lord, her self-righteous pride is so great, so is mine so I get so frustrated with her, and it’s in Your grace that You have humbled me… Lord I pray You humble and heal their hearts filled with torment of worldly love that consumes and pulls in opposite directions after all these years of joy and yet so much dominating hardship.

 

A relationship with Him is the most humbling of all…

haha

My Dad is a Fob

My Mom is a Fob